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Sometimes I have the urge to run and see you, maybe because I forget who I am and you might help me remember, but then I remember who you are now as opposed to who you used to be and I know running to you will just leave me more helpless and hurt than I already was. I will continue to miss the old you each and every second of every day and I can only hope you will someday know the pain you’ve caused me.

Why do we like to get fucked over? because it feels good? no, that’s why we like to be fucked… No one really enjoys getting fucked over by someone they care about but we are still drawn to those who do it to us continually like flies to honey or more like the situation, horse shit. Being hurt reminds us we are human, that we still have feeling inside us, when the world starts to make us so numb. Many of us have forgotten, or worse, never learned how to feel joy therefore we are walking around like drones wondering if anything will ever affect us and then someone comes a long who can show you there’s a little bit more to life and we let them in and soon we’re in severe pain. First there is a shock from what has happened and then deep pain. It usually starts in your chest and it is all your mind can think about. Depending on how badly we’ve been burned, it turns from an emotional pain to a physical pain. This pain is crippling and very hard to move on from. We can only beg to be released and as soon as the littlest bit of clarity shines through on the situation there comes an anger and deep hatred. We may try to move on but this pain still follows us wherever we go and as soon as it’s source steps back into our life we are on our knees again thinking we’ll be happy this time because if someone could mean that much to you that they could cause you such pain than they must be worth something. Most likely the cycle will repeat many times as is the nature of human massichism, and we will either finally wake up from the spell or wither away living it over and over again…

Well, I just moved in and am finally settled in some place that I think will actually work for me this time. I’m thinking about you though, as usual…I wonder what you’re doing and if you’ve moved back in to your dorm for the next semester. I wish you were here to see my place and to lay in bed with me and talk or watch stupid scary movies like old times. I’ve been dreaming about you a lot lately, especially when I sleep with that silly pink blanket thing, it so obviously represents you. It’s been almost a year now since I’ve seen you and since we shared those tender moments with one another. Do you miss me? or did you forget about me and everything we had already? I can’t imagine completely moving on from you or loving someone as deeply as I love(d) you. I wish every day that I can feel even remotely as much for someone as I did for you. I’m still sorry I didn’t realize what you meant to me until it was too late and I’m sorry you thought it was too early when we did get our chance. You told me that we couldn’t be together right now but that someday in the future we were meant to be. I was very skeptical on that and still am to some degree as I truly felt it was our time before but I’ve been having dreams about you and I and they’re all in the future. Sometimes I’m fighting to get you back but most of the time we are still truly in love and we have a life together. I’d like to believe these will come true one day and that you will finally grow up and stop being so afraid and insecure. I saw her. I saw our little girl. It sounds crazy, I know, especially to me, but she was there and she was stunning. She had bright blue eyes like you and long wavy brown hair and she was so so happy. I can’t forget her now. I wonder if you could ever see her too, or even see me when you sleep and wake up and wish you’d done things differently. You broke so many promises, yet somehow I know how to forgive you. You even broke my heart but you’re the only one who will be able to really put it back together. I’d like to say I’m moving on, and in a lot of ways I am. I haven’t stopped loving or trying to trust or being brave enough to be with others but I still always come back to you in my mind. I’ll always be your little blue m&m baby.

Insecurity eats away at the mind and body. It’s like a disease. It makes you sick. It makes you hate yourself and everything around you. You wish for someone to understand, not just say you’re being ridiculous but really understand and really help. Someone who doesn’t get sick of telling you you’re beautiful or that you’re just right the way you are. Someone who will realize that idolizing other women, wether photographs or reality will always make things worse for the insecurities. Someone who wont give up on telling you you’re perfection and start making jokes about ways to fix yourself. Insecurity is a disease. It’s a sickness that will eat away at you no matter how hard you work each day on it. The second you see that other more beautiful, sexy, curvy, skinny, darker, more incredible woman all the strength you built up disappears. I’m sick of the fights and the anger and sadness and guilt that is always brought on with this illness. There should be a cure so no one has to endure this pain.

You left. You stupid, messed up, sick, son of a bitch. You were the man who was never supposed to leave my life, the one who was supposed to support me, teach me, love me unconditionally, protect me, and teach me what I was supposed to look for in a man. I don’t think I could hate you or dislike you any more than I do now. You left me first. You didn’t care about my college orientation or my high school graduation, hell you fucking fell asleep while sitting on the stage for that. You belittled my mother and used her while you figured out how to leave. You told her you never loved her which is complete bullshit. You said you haven’t been happy in over 10 years, well that’s something I don’t believe because I refuse to accept that almost my whole life was a lie from you. You cheated. You CHEATED on the person that cared about you most in this world and who understood you better than you understood yourself. I think your head injury took a bigger toll on you then you let on. I think you are a different human being now. You walked right from one bed to the next and took on another child while giving up your own. There is no ounce of respect for the sad, pathetic, human being you are today. I can’t even think of you as a real man because a real man admits to his mistakes and figures out what they’ve done wrong. You refuse to admit you did anything. You blame it all on mom, well jackass she isn’t the one who left, YOU are! You stopped caring about my life and my brother’s life. You’re too worried about your new wife (thanks so much for telling us you got married) and little boy and the baby you’re trying to conceive when you’re almost 50 years old. You’ve thrown away your career and friends and family and have become a joke to the world. The man that had morals and taught me to never fall for a scumbag or be taken advantage of, the man who worked hard every day for his family, the man who was respected and loved is completely gone. You took a very cheap way out and I don’t know you anymore. I called you immediately when I found out and I screamed at you. I told you you weren’t my dad and that I hated you and you had absolutely nothing to say. You had no excuse for what you’d done and you never thought we’d find out. The worst part is you never called back when I hung up. You are my father and you NEVER called back. I waited a long time to see you again and I tried, I really tried to make some kind of relationship work. To accept your fiancé and her son and try to understand what had happened to you but you pushed me away. You lied about me, you lied to me, you threatened my mom, the only solid thing I have in my life, and you only cared about your new family. You acted like I was an outsider so I gave up, I give up on you. I hope you die a miserable and painful death. I hope your back hurts every day and you are in agony while you go ride your horses with her. I hope you either can’t get pregnant or you do and the child grows up hating you. I hate you because you took away everything I ever knew, everything that ever made me happy. You took away my dad who I loved and respected, you took away my mom who was so strong and driven, you took away my brother who was happy and ready to have a great teen experience, you took away my best friends hope of ever having a good fatherly figure in her life, you took away my horse who I love with all my heart and miss every single day, and worst of all you took away my love. You have made everything around me hard to bare. You took away country music because it makes me happy and then I think of you and I riding in the old pick up so many years ago and I have to turn it off. You broke my family and you gave me a fear and insecurity around men that hits my very core and leaves me more guarded than I ever should be. I hate you for hurting my brother so much because he’s my best friend in the world and I know you broke his heart. You broke all of our hearts and I hope one day it all hits you and you suffer for the rest of your sad and very pathetic little life. I’ll never stop missing the daddy that loved me to the moon and back and gave me butterfly kisses every night before bed…

A lot of my poetry? or more emotional writing is from many different times in my life but I’m new to tumblr so I’m putting them up now :)